Idea 62: Wanktric
I feel it's time to announce to the world (well, the 4 of you that read this) that this blog will shortly be coming to an end. And one of the reasons I know this is because I've gone to the depths of putting this idea up. (Actually there's one next week which plumbs worse places than this so to speak. So that might be the last one.)
So, what is 'wanktric'? Well obviously, it's tantric wanking.
Let me explain.
The principles of tantric sex are based around 'tantra' which is Sanskrit in origin and has a few different meanings. One of these is ‘weaving the web’. (Which in the context of this idea could almost become a new way of saying 'choking the chicken' or 'spanking the monkey' if you get what I mean.) These principles state a few things and can be found here in detail.
The thing is, tantric sex gets a great write up because it enables couples, normally hippie types, to delay orgasm so that when it does, er, come, it's way more powerful and 'fulfilling' than you're normally used to. You create 'powerful sexual energy'. It's the complete opposite of a 'quickie' as it can last a long time as satisfaction and pleasure grow.
The thing is there are a lot of people out there who aren't in relationships, or who don't, you know, do it, with their partner, and whom have to rely on onanistic pursuits. Which is why it would be great for them if there was an easy way by which they could apply the principles of tantric sex to wanking, and therefore achieve spiritual and sexual enlightenment through it. And reap the full benefits of a powerful ending to their solitary pleasure.
So someone should publish a guide which adopts tantric sex principles to wanking.
(By the way, one of the main principles of tantric sex is looking deep into the other person's eyes. I don't know if in 'wanktric' teachings this would have to be translated into staring deeply into your own eyes in the mirror or not.)
This idea also gives me the opportunity to mention that tantric sex gained in popularity a few years ago thanks to Sting. A year or so afterwards, a letter appeared in Viz from a guy who said he understood why it took Sting so long to come when sleeping with his wife Trudi Styler, because "my wife is a boiler too".
Sting and Trudi Boiler, I mean Styler, yesterday
I'm going to stop now. Have a nice weekend.
Feasibility Rating: 3
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Comments
Thanks, that was great. Is it now time to vote for the answer dancer as the best of all 62 posts and grant it a feasibility rating of 10?
Blimey, you almost sound keen to see the end of this site. I was hoping for a bit of "No Simon, that would be disastrous". Oh well, never mind.
I would hold a vote but I'm not sure if it's worth it.
And also, on the feasibility of answerdancer, there is work in progress on that...keep your eyes peeled in february...
I'm saddened by the impending end of 'An idea a day' but you're right about not holding a vote; Answer dancer would win by a country mile (whatever that is).
I'm looking forward to february to see the next iteration of the answer dancer.
(Can't we just have one last fundamentalist idea for old times sake?)
Hey Paul.
I will endeavour to have another fundamentalist idea. Unfortunately I don't know if I'm ever going to better the board game or Carry On Al-Qaeda ideas.
And that's saying something.
And do you want a fundamentalist Muslim or Christian one? Or another religion?
I suspect this entire post was purely about making fun of Sting. That's a Good Idea in my book.
Ending 'an idea a day', however, is a bad one.
Yep. Busted. Anything to laugh at Sting.
It's not just the blog I'm stopping. I've decided I never want to have another idea again. I'm actually going to stop thinking and just see what happens.
Simon, that's very kind. I think another religion would be nice - mormons, scientologists, trappist monks (not strictly a religion I know).
Stopping thinking sounds good. It will be at least 2 weeks before people realise you're not deep in thought about some complex plannery issue. Give it a name you can trademark - Tantric Planning for instance - and you can get a 3 month sabbatical and a book out of it. Don't worry about writing it. Just cobble together a google search and get Russell's school of the web to do the rest.
I wouldn't pay the site a daily visit, just to wait for it to end.
So fire up the engine. Think fundamentalists, think shit, think coffee table books and extend the project to 100.
Kirsty - thank you. And glad you appreciate the (light) filth. Will try and up that a wee bit for the last one. Hopefully enough to satisfy your mind.
I'm also rarely a man of my word, so who knows.
Camiel - that's more like it. It's not actually lack of time - on the contrary I seem to spend most of my day trawling round reading peoples' blogs and then doing this one. It's actually because I'm exceptionally lazy, or want to do something different, that I'm going to stop. Just haven't worked out which of those it is yet.
Oh Kirsty, by the way, if you want to have a guest idea, just send one to me. We can find space for it next week.