Bollocks.

Meant to say, at least now there is one less blog to read in the world. The fact that that is the case and I can say that, almost makes it worthwhile having done one in the first place.

Right, now you can turn off the lights.

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OK.

Well that was kind of enjoyable.

At least for me.

So thank you to anyone and everyone that read it. Hope it was at least mildly entertaining.

And a big thank you to the guest idea contributors: Jared (twice), Beeker and Jason, Camiel, Richard Dorey, Stuart Smith, Clarice, Ciaran, Gavin, Ben (not their real name), Sami and Picklin' Paul. They were all about twenty times better than my ones.

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Wacko Jacko

The King of Pop, yesterday

So a friend of mine has asked me to DJ for an hour at his 30th and I wanted to do something with a theme. Do I do a song from every year he's been alive? All songs from 1977? Or a collection of songs all linked by the theme of paedophilia?

Paedophilia is clearly A Bad Thing. Except maybe when it comes to music. I've realised when thinking about all the songs for this night that you could probably string it out to a whole night not just one hour. Obviously you have your Michael Jackson, Jonathon King related stuff, Britney Spears, Billie Piper, Nellie, any child stars there have been over the years and so on.

But it's not just in the world of pap that paedophilia has produced classic music. For example, the Rolling Stones best song is the filthy 'Stray Cat Blues' from the album Beggars Banquet. Here are some of the lyrics:

"I can see that you're fifteen years old
No I don't want your I.D.
I can see you're so far from home
But it's no hanging matter
It's no capital crime

I bet your mama don't know that you scatch like that
I bet she don't know you can bite like that.

You say you got a friend, that she's wilder than you
Why don't you bring her upstairs
If she's so wild then she can join in too
It's no hanging matter
It's no capital crime"

(Jagger, pathetically, in recent years has changed this to 16 years old)

Similarly Travis had a good song from their first album called U15 Girls. And Dan Sartain has a great song on his new album called 'Young Girls'. And Jerry Lee Lewis I think can be included in this set.

Obviously there will be loads more. In fact, why don't you all spend today working out which songs and stars could make it on to a paedophilia playlist that I can play? That would beat working, wouldn't it?

(Right this is the last one. Sorry, no fundamentalists. Tomorrow will be a bit of housekeeping stuff, but no idea)

Feasibility Rating: Under 16

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Note

I can personally vouch this was written by Jared at a time in the morning when the Scooter of Shame was needed

So, the final guest idea. And it's the second appearance from Jared aka The Meat Man. As usual, it's great. But not a service I have ever wished existed. Ever.

(By the way, the final idea from me will be on tomorrow. This will be idea 65 after which I can retire (do you see what I did there?). Then there will be some housekeeping posts on Friday.)

Anyway, enough wittering from me. Over to Jared:

"Every night out, there's a Time of Decision. Do you stay out and crash on a sofa, eventually arriving at work reeking of bourbon and sin? Or do you go home, unfulfilled, and slightly disappointed in yourself? Now you can destroy yourself with confidence, as you can call for the Scooter of Shame!

This intrepid delivery service (for some reason, I picture it manned by Australians), will show up with a package containing the following:

- a clean white tee shirt and fresh underwear (tell them your size over the phone - or pre-register to save time!)

- toothbrush and toothpaste

- deoderant

I suspect the luxury package would include:

- a microwavable breakfast muffin

- soap and a towel

- a disposable alarm clock

Other optional extras would include:

- prebooked taxi service

- condoms

Feasibility Rating: 8

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It appears, yet again, that I've managed to use this blog to make public announcements that are ill-informed.

Turns out that the George Best image was done by Req 1 not Banksy.

Furthermore (and this is exactly the kind of content I imagine would appear in this magazine / book / whatever), the two styles are very different. Whilst Banksy's style in graf circles is dismissed (and I realise this is a broad generalisation so apologies for that) because it's stencil based (and any old muppet can do that apparently), Req 1 is lauded because it's all painted freehand, there and then. Which when you consider what that means in terms of spray can and materials, is pretty fucking impressive.

His George Best image was done in a slightly taking the piss of Banksy way, as it came after the police kissing one.

A final clarification, and not that it matters obviously, but the guy stood in the middle is not actually gay.

Just a gay icon.

(Many thanks to Guy for taking time out to explain this to me.)

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Great British Icons

Three gay icons as drawn by renowned dickwad Banksy, yesterday

Graffiti is a well established art form now, and a lot of the techniques used by graffiti artists are intricate and detailed, but not necessarily easy to learn.

But they could be if a weekly serial magazine - much like the kind you get now for astronomy, cooking, horse-riding, that sort of thing - was created which provided young people with stencils and advice on how to achieve the desired effect. On top of spray techniques and styles, it could also have a retrospective of a renowned graffiti artist each week, and easy-to-learn hints and tips on avoiding police capture.

(The first week only costs 95p and you get a nice ring folder with it. Each issue thereafter is £5.95)

Feasibility Rating: oh, I dunno. Shall we way 8? Or 3? One of those.

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There are plenty of iconic images that exist in the collective consciousness - that one of the monk setting himself on fire, the plane sticking out of the twin towers, the man on the moon (which was the inspiration for possibly the best Onion front page ever), and so on. (I'm hoping you all know the images I mean having just used those few words otherwise my 'collective consciousness' comment is nonsense.)

But you know, those smart-alec types who say things like "A picture paints a thousand words" aren't necessarily always right. There is clearly a sensationalist impact to these iconic images - they vividly capture a scene which sums up a moment in time or event. But they also are short-cuts which don't give you the detail and the nuances - the story - behind what you're seeing. (I'm thinking of this at the moment after going to see 'Flags of Our Fathers' last night which was about how one photo - the one of the 6 American soldiers planting the US flag into the ground at an angle - was a key part to helping the US win the war.)

So I wondered whether with a little bit of photoshop transparent type application, it would be possible to write a thousand words about a particular image - what you're seeing, what happened and why, what came next and so on - and have those words layered on top of that particular image so that you could read both the words, and see the image through them. Which might be an interesting project to complete on a number of these iconic images.

If you can be arsed.

Feasibility Rating: 6

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I feel it's time to announce to the world (well, the 4 of you that read this) that this blog will shortly be coming to an end. And one of the reasons I know this is because I've gone to the depths of putting this idea up. (Actually there's one next week which plumbs worse places than this so to speak. So that might be the last one.)

So, what is 'wanktric'? Well obviously, it's tantric wanking.

Let me explain.

The principles of tantric sex are based around 'tantra' which is Sanskrit in origin and has a few different meanings. One of these is ‘weaving the web’. (Which in the context of this idea could almost become a new way of saying 'choking the chicken' or 'spanking the monkey' if you get what I mean.) These principles state a few things and can be found here in detail.

The thing is, tantric sex gets a great write up because it enables couples, normally hippie types, to delay orgasm so that when it does, er, come, it's way more powerful and 'fulfilling' than you're normally used to. You create 'powerful sexual energy'. It's the complete opposite of a 'quickie' as it can last a long time as satisfaction and pleasure grow.

The thing is there are a lot of people out there who aren't in relationships, or who don't, you know, do it, with their partner, and whom have to rely on onanistic pursuits. Which is why it would be great for them if there was an easy way by which they could apply the principles of tantric sex to wanking, and therefore achieve spiritual and sexual enlightenment through it. And reap the full benefits of a powerful ending to their solitary pleasure.

So someone should publish a guide which adopts tantric sex principles to wanking.

(By the way, one of the main principles of tantric sex is looking deep into the other person's eyes. I don't know if in 'wanktric' teachings this would have to be translated into staring deeply into your own eyes in the mirror or not.)

This idea also gives me the opportunity to mention that tantric sex gained in popularity a few years ago thanks to Sting. A year or so afterwards, a letter appeared in Viz from a guy who said he understood why it took Sting so long to come when sleeping with his wife Trudi Styler, because "my wife is a boiler too".

Weaving the web

Sting and Trudi Boiler, I mean Styler, yesterday

I'm going to stop now. Have a nice weekend.

Feasibility Rating: 3

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Employee training

"Repeat after me, "Awright guvners, we're now arriving at Maahl End. Mind the apples and pears""

A whole range of different accents and dialects are found in London, and certain areas and destinations conform to type. But the pre-recorded voice-overs on the train announcing the arrival into certain stations is always a kind of bland, uniform, BBC English clipped voice. (Especially the Circle Line which sounds a bit like Princess Diana).

So it might be fun if the announcer was asked to pre-record each station in the stereotypical voice of someone from that area. So cockney in the East, through city boys, through Rasta, through Indian, through posh south-west. Same announcer, different voices. Obviously some places are more difficult than others - eg do you go posh or Rasta for Notting Hill (perhaps it could be posh white until Notting Hill Carnival time)? But I'm sure they'd work it out.

Feasibility Rating: 8

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Jessica lange

Jessica "Hot Dang" Lange, outside my house, yesterday

In the last couple of years, the concept of the 'Yummy Mummy' has emerged. Well, hot women who are also Mums have been around for a long time, it's just they've finally been given a catchy name. (Alongside, of course, 'MILF' as featured on American Pie and countless pornos.)

Anyway, the point being that as we move more and more into a world where people look after their bodies, and plastic surgery becomes more readily available, it's no longer inconceivable that there are women who look hot well past their 50th birthday (apparently 50 is the cut-off for a Yummy Mummy). This isn't some weird Mrs. Robinson thing I've got, I'd like to stress, I'm merely commenting on a trend.

So, hot Grandmas. And rather than just calling them 'Yummy Grandmummy' because that sounds shit, I wonder whether there is a name these women - the Raquel Welchs, Farah Fawcetts, and Jaclyn Smiths of this world - could have in their own right. My suggestion, as seen at the top, is 'Hot Dang Grans', but I'm not sure if this quite gets it. So all suggestions welcome.

'GILF' of course, works fine.

Feasibility Rating: er...not sure what's feasible here. These people exist. Feasibility of this trend being recognised if it hasn't been already? 8

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